Thursday, February 11, 2010

It's Alive!

I like anthropomorphizing so much, it may actually be a pathology.

It seems wrong to me that only certain things should be allowed to have personalities or humanity.  And I'm not just talking about animals - as far as I'm concerned, the idea of an "anthropomorphized animal" is just redundant.  Nor am I talking about stuffed animals - let me be clear... if you have a stuffed animal for longer than 5 minutes and it doesn't have a name, you don't deserve it. I'm talking about things like electronics, food, clothing and body parts (mostly my wife's).

For example...

My Subaru is named Ru and loves the rain.  During a storm I can hear her calling to me to come out and play in the puddles, and if I'm too busy, I rightly feel like a bad human being for neglecting her.

My wife's car is a Toyota Camry Hybrid named "Briddie" or "Brid" for short.  I like to greet her with a cheerful "Hi Brid!" when I see her. She's a great car and takes wonderful care of my wife and I. And, after reading about the Toyota recalls, I'm getting worried she might have a congenital disorder that is going to require surgery.

I'm typing this on my computer Mackey, named less after the brand (Mac, of course), than because I was watching a lot of The Shield when I got it and was scared if I didn't name it after Vic Mackey, Michael Chiklis might pound through the door and bash my skull in.  Plus, this little guy totally kicks ass.

I have a favorite shirt named Max.  She's soft and warm and can't wait to wrap herself around me, but she's also very manly (she's flannel), thus the gender neutral name.

My three TiVos, like a benevolent Borg, are all connected and of one collective mind, and therefore simply referred to as The TiVo (or sometimes The Beloved TiVo).

My new HDTV is starting to get pissed that he doesn't have a name yet - though I think I've settled on "Larry Gelbart" both in honor of the game-changing MASH writer and because the TV brand is LG.

We have a juicer that Lyena is quite fond of that I've named James (or, more often, Jimmy the Jolly Juicer - I like alliteration).  I don't personify it too much since then I would have to come to terms with the fact that the mouth is where the stuff goes in and the, well, other end, is where the juice comes out.

Several things in my house are named "Bob" - my go-to name - including Bob the pillow, Bob the computer mouse, Bob the knife sharpener, Bob the big-red-excersize-ball, and pretty much anything else that I relate to on a more occasional basis.

And then there's basically everything else, which, if it doesn't have a name, it's simply because it hasn't yet spoken to me, but doesn't mean I don't recognize it's sentience.

These are my friends, my companions, my clan.  Mess with them and you mess with me.  And you don't want to mess with me.  I'm a little bit crazy.


  1. You named our juicer? See, I knew you secretly loved our kitchen gadgetry. Now I'm definitely getting the stick-blender.

  2. Your concept is perfectly normal. It is proper to recognize the personalities of our companions that help and support us. Let me see, our green '68 Olds was named "Oscar, our dark blue '73 Cad was named "Cookie Monster", the light Blue '73 Cad was named the "JAPmobile" (it was Joan Anita Purvis's car). And then there was the "Grey Goose" (our 74 grey Olds). And Lea's hobby horse on springs was named "Beba". Need I go on?

    And I understand why you want to have a "Stickiebee" to Bond with James.

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