Friday, June 18, 2010

Halliburton Cleans Up on the Clean-up

Sock Puppet On Halliburton Exec's Left Hand: "We can make a ton of money if we ignore these safety regulations. It might get some "small people" killed, but we'll make more than they're worth."

Sock Puppet On Halliburton Exec's Right Hand: "Awesome! And then, when we have a giant spill, we just bought a clean up firm so we can make even MORE money."

Sock Puppet On Halliburton Exec's Left Hand: "Awesome!"

Raise your hand if you're a complete douche-bag. Goooooooood Oil Executives.

Researchers To Map Ozzy Osbourne's Genome

In an unprecedented move MTV has signed the genome to a five-year reality TV deal...

Ozzy Osbourne is about to join the ranks of a very fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on how you look at it) minority. DNA research lab Knome has announced that it is going to sequence the lead singer of Black Sabbath's entire genome. Knome, -- which focuses on DNA sequencing in the interest of disease research -- has said that Ozzy's "extreme" medical history (i.e., years of hard partying) makes him an ideal candidate for their purposes. Very few people have had their entire DNA mapped, and the sequencing will take about 3 months to complete, so we'll just have to make do by watching the video after the break until we get the results.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

FDA Says Poor Results Of "Female Viagra" Are Proof "Female Orgasm" Don't Exist

"A Food and Drug Administration review of data on the effectiveness of flibanserin -- a pill anticipated to become the first 'female Viagra' -- resulted in questions about how well the drug will actually work..."
(excerpt from CNN article linked below)

One of the scientists studying the new drug, Dr. Peter Simpkins, stated "This is just further proof that the myth of the female orgasm is just that, a myth."

Dr. Angela Yoni, a female scientist at the FDA, disagrees, however. "Simply because the drug doesn't seem to do what we thought it would, doesn't mean that there is no female orgasm," she says. "I can tell you for certain there IS a female orgasm.  It's real."

Dr. Simpkins brushed off his colleague, saying "Nonsense. I have frequently, often several times in a single day, offered Dr. Yoni the opportunity to prove her 'theory,' but she keeps denying my scientific advances. Despite my efforts, she has never offered any demonstrable proof of her claims. In fact, most of the male members of the FDA have never found any evidence to support the claim. I, for one, find it odd that the only segment of society that claims this myth is real, is the same segment of society the refuses to demonstrate it's existence to us, America's male scientific community."

Multiple attempts to reach spouses or female partners of the male scientists and doctors involved in the research resulted in only one man, Dr. Leonard Fisby, who was willing to introduce us to his new wife. However, it turns out that for the last Dr. Fisby has been married to an Apple iPad.  "There's no app for that," Dr. Fisby said. "Therefore, I can only conclude it doesn't exist."

When contacted for comment, Steve Jobs replied via email, "We're working on it."

The "NRA Party" Strikes Again

A new bill trying to get through congress this week, which has the noble intention of creating greater (or, really, ANY) transparency for political contributions by corporations and lobbyists, now includes a provision to exempt the National Rifle Association from the most critical of it's provisions.

After the incredibly ill-conceived pro-business/anti-citizen (sub)Supreme Court ruling earlier this year allowing "unlimited campaign spending by corporations, unions and other groups" (excerpt from Reuters article linked below) a bill like this is necessary to ensure that these powerful organizations can't just run roughshod over our already overly corporate-run political system. However, because the "NRA Party" of the US Government is so powerful, those Democrats trying to get the bill passed have had to put an exemption for the National Rifle Association, limiting the affect the bill would have on the NRA to basically none.

According to Reuters, "under the accord, the NRA, one of the most influential lobbying groups on Capitol Hill, would not have to disclose its top donors on its campaign ads." Which begs the question, why is the NRA so embarrassed about who it's contributors are? Or, why are supporters of the NRA so embarrassed that they don't want to be known as contributors to the NRA

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Jesus Struck Down By Zeus

After years of playing second fiddle to the Christian deity, Olympic God Zeus struck a mighty blow on Monday, burning to the ground a 6-story tall statue of Jesus Christ outside Cincinnati, Ohio.  Dubbed "Touchdown Jesus" for the its upreaching (a'preaching?) arms, the statue was a 62-foot high landmark of the Solid Rock Church in Monroe, Ohio.

In a statement, the Zeus Society of Southwestern Ohio said, "Take zat, beeotches!"

The Pope did not return phone calls for comment.

The Solid Rock Church is insured by Cincinatti Cinsurance Company, who is refusing to pay for the estimated $700,000 in damages.  When reached by phone, a representative of the mid-sized insurance company serving thousands of businesses in the Greater Cincinnati area stated that the church's policy "did not cover 'Acts of God.'"

The church is planning to fight that decision on the basis that there is only One True God and that Zeus is merely a "deity."

Ryan Seacrest Stalker Gets Two Years... But No Psych Help

A man accused of stalking celebri-tool Ryan Seacrest has been sentenced to two years in prison for his efforts after pleading "no contest" (the legal equivalent of "guilty"). The judge was (not) reported to have said after the trial, "If he only pled insanity, I would have totally let him off.  Clearly the man is disturbed.  I mean, Ryan-friggin'-Seacrest?  Come on!"

Charlie Sheen Loses Another Lady

The Los Angeles Times is reporting that Charlie Sheen lost another car off a cliff today. For the second time since February, one of his Mercedes has lost it's Sheen and been discovered at the bottom of a cliff without a driver and with the keys in the car. Apparently Sheen is so hard to live with, even his cars are attempting suicide.
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